Lost in a Freaky Financial Timewarp

Today I was taken back in time, to an era somewhere between the 50's and 70's. The experience was an odd mix of elements: time slowed to a crawl; there was little technology; and people seemed, well, less sophisticated. Those on the services side of the windows were chatty (with each other, mostly), while those of us waiting were largely silent. The room was filled with little Post-Its taped to the walls reading "No Food, No Drinks", and there was a larger sign that said, "Tell the guard if it's been 15 minutes past your scheduled appointment". There was a near void of color -- just a bizarre palette of moldy yellow walls, gray frayed carpeting and cheap burgundy chairs, all of which well represented the lack of energy in the place.

Want to guess where I might have been? On the set of the sequel to Napoleon Dynamite? (No, but close! There was someone in there who looked like Uncle Rio.) In line for visitation at a prison? (Nope, they have food in prisons.) The DMV? Ha! Almost, but worse.

The environment I describe is an official satellite office of the government agency that's supposedly overseeing your "retirement" funding, the Social Security Administration. Yep! Good ole Uncle Sam's "financial advisory" services. (I have proof since I snapped some photos while the guard wasn't looking!)

Why would the LMF4HMW blogger would be in the SSA in the first place, you ask??! And why am I ranting about it? Turns out that when you get married, the USG's gift to the blushing bride is the opportunity to wait in line at several agencies -- the USPS, the DMV, and the SSA, in order to use her married name.

It dawned on me during my last hour of the day spent in a line that even more frightening than the inefficiency we all encounter at these bureaus is the fact that this one, the SSA, is tasked with swiping a significant sum of money out of your paycheck to ensure that you're saving for retirement "responsibly". Yet the minute one of its customers walks into an office with 20 people waiting, two of the five service windows close. (It's lunchtime, you know.)

I don't know about you, but I don't want my financial advisory shutting down shop just because someone needs a sandwich. I'm not an activist type, so I won't use the rest of the post to encourage you to vote for small government candidates and anyone with a platform including privitizing the SSA. (If you don't think I'm right, you should book a field trip there before disagreeing with me. Hell, I had it good -- I live in a smaller city, nothing like the horror of a big city government office!) I will, however, remind you that you are in fact the person responsible for saving for your retirement. Even if you do one day receive what you've "put away" with the SSA (i.e., what they've taken without your right to refuse -- I believe some might call that stealing), it most certainly won't be enough.

This is actually good news because you are in control of the majority of your retirement savings via your investment accounts and 401(k) plan(s). You have choice as to in what to invest, how much to allocate, etc. And you can even do most of your financial and operational transactions online (without taking a number and listening to someone gripe about needing the money to pay rent)! So take some vows of your own on Monday -- to put away more, as much as you can, and if you haven't begun contributing, by all means, to do so! Otherwise, short of a trust fund, you'll be the woman crying at the counter to the SSA officer about needing money to pay her cable bill.

Wipe out Telemarketing Efforts!

Sick of flipping away from a great conversation only to find that the person on call waiting is yet another telemarketer? These companies always call precisely when you're least inclined to listen -- just as you're about to open that special bottle for a dinner, or when you've finally dozed for a rare nap. I don't know one HMW who is interested in these unsolicited and bothersome interruptions, and thankfully, they're easy to stop!

Simply register your telephone number(s) online at the National "Do Not Call" Registry or call 1-888-382-1222. If you continue receiving calls, you can file a complaint. Or, I find that a firm reminder that "I'm on the 'Do Not Call Registry'" does the trick.

Credit card offers are another noxious pet peeve. They're endless, a waste of paper, and in many ways, they're worse than telemarketing calls: some HMW fall prey, figuring they might as well sign up "just in case", or worse yet, they're stuck in a cycle of transferring balances from card to card in search of a "better" rate (versus addressing the root of the problem which is too much credit card debt and no real plan to conquer it).

Just as you can opt out of telemarketing calls, you are henceforth empowered to end the credit card offers! Simply fill out this online form, making sure to choose "opt out" -- it defaults to "opt in" (sneaky, but not sneaky enough for a HMW). This will free you of credit card offers for five years, a rather good deal considering it takes about 50 seconds.

Now go out and celebrate with a nice box o' Chardonnay! Yes, you heard me right. I was recently judging at a wine competition and had the pleasure of trying a Black Box Chardonnay from a well, box. It's a slim cardboard package with a tetra-pack (think of a bladder in a Camelback) filled with four bottles of wine. It stays fresh weeks after opening (as if wine ever lasts weeks at my house). And for the environmentally inclined, produces less waste. Best of all, it's $20 for four bottles! Every night can't be a Burgundy night!

The B Word

You likely have to deal with the B word at work. Those of you in the for profit world are quite used to cutting, measuring and arguing for them at least annually. And those of you in the non-profit world are likely blaming Bush or some other "mean" Republican because you had "cuts" and will therefore, like every other business, have to pick your priorities.

Figured it out yet? Today's post is about BUDGETING! Are you pumped yet? I'd guess that somewhere around 80 to 90% of LMF4HMW readers don't have one. (And that's probably a conservative guess.)

Would you run a business without a budget? Of course not, that would be irresponsible! Then is there even one good reason to run your life without one? (Unacceptable excuses: "I don't feel like it." "I hate money talk/numbers/finance." "I'm suddenly coming down with the flu.")

I'm not suggesting that you spend an hour creating a budget, but I am pleading with you to give it 20 minutes of your time. Hell, you're the one producing the revenue. You should at least know where it's going! This can be done in a few simple steps:

1. Write down your monthly cash inflow --"revenue" from your job(s), etc. (Assuming this is net or after you've paid taxes, contributed to your 401k, etc.)

2. Write down your fixed monthly expenses -- rent/mortgage, car payment, school or other loans, car and renter's/homeowner's insurance and dues, utilities, etc.

3. Make a list of your other monthly cash outflows -- gym membership, cell phone, gas, groceries, maid services, beauty appointments, credit card payments, etc. (Being online with a recent bank account statement is helpful at this point.)

4. Record any other outflows you've forgotten -- think hard! There's always more. Restaurants/bars, trips, gifts, investments, etc. These are obviously dynamic expenses but a good estimate is better than nothing.

5. Add outflows from #s 2-5 to get your total monthly cash outflow.

6. Subtract your total monthly outflow from your inflow.

If you have a positive number, congrats! (You're still not done, but you can go open a bottle of Syrah -- I had an awesome one from Melville last night.) If you are staring at a negative number, the good news is that you're about to take your first step in turning this into a positive one. The reality (not calling it "bad news" because whining about it doesn't help) though, is that you have to make some hard changes. NOW.

The easiest place to start is the items you recorded in #4. I love dining out, but it's a very fast way to lose $100! (Your thing might be shopping or an expensive activity.) If you've cut all of that or you didn't have anything there to cut, move to #3. Do you really need two gym memberships? Maid service? Two facials a month? Get the final #6 positive.

The point is, you need to determine how much you can spend and stick to it. Everyone's number will be different. It's all about prioritizing.

In taking control of the situation, you gain power. (And likely better shut eye.)

PS - Be sure to revisit this at least annually -- a good time is when you have your work review and hopefully get a raise. Put it on your calendar. You owe it to yourself. Being in control of your pursestrings is hot!